kidneys, mares, and mayers
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!
Enter Stockton B on a bright stage, curtains behind him, house band to his right, and a boisterous crowd just yards in front.
“Thank you folks, it’s great to be here. First thing, I gotta talk about this. Medical history in the making. Surgeons removed a woman’s kidney through her vagina, so she could give it to her ailing niece! You heard me. An unusual operation they hope will encourage others to donate because it reduces pain. Amazing. Yeah, apparently soon after, Kim Kardashian made an appointment to have her entire insides removed that way. Yup, she had 200 consecutive orgasms, and now she’s dead. The doctors are thrilled with the results.
And that’s it. I’m done. How’s that for a monologue? Take a note, Leno.
But seriously folks, Tonight, as you know, is our 5th Post Anniversary. And so we’re beginning the fifth, with a first.
For Johnny Carson, it was Groucho Marx. For Conan O’Brien, it was John Goodman, for Diego Maradona on La Noche del 10, it was Pelé.
And for The Cuisinart, it is Dylan Mayer, of Dance on Friday fame. Our first celebrity! So, mindless babbling and off putting jokes aside, here is the first outside submission to the blog. Who will be next?
FADE OUT, FADE IN:
HORSE WITNESS -
Please forgive me and my horse
We need some money for the courts
Who apprehended my eldest girl
For a wrong she’s not done
You see it was the orphan lad
A castrato for that retched band
Who with my daughter had a dalliance
Now she’s in jail for a lustrum
He went into the barn with her
Laid her in the provender
No, I was not there, of course
But this falabella has stated
That the boy produced
A match and lit it on his boot
Dropped it to the floor and hooted
As the place conflagrated
You see it’s the oldest tale
According to this miniature mare
Two lovers in peril who prevail
But one flees as the other is hauled off to jail
If it wasn’t for she
Not speaking it would most certainly be he
Behind bars but they two agreed
To not squeal to the authorities
So I’m taking this tiny steed
The only witness to the entire scene
To tell the police exactly what he’s seen
And set my poor little girl free
I just hope they believe
And can understand this horses’ speech
And it won’t come out a string of whinnies
But first some money for the bus ride, please
A few pence for my pony and me.
