The CuisinArt

Earlier today, while grazing over crumbs of uninspired internet pages, ruminating on future of tennis shoes and basket weaving, I encountered a series of troubling news articles.

Today, buried under the red-herring cover story of “Obama’s 6-Week Report Card,” hidden behind AT&T Ads, and headlines proclaiming that Rush Limbaugh’s head, is in fact, a suitable replacement for a reflector on film or television sets, I came across THIS ARTICLE (Whoops, forgot to put the link in- Here it is.)!

A miss Latreasa L. Goodman, called the police 3 times when her local McDonalds ran out of chicken McNuggets- after accepting her money - and refused to provide her with a refund! She was denied her menu item of choice, then denied a refund, then denied prompt police assistance, and finally was denied by her family and friends after the report surfaced. Who is to blame: Is it Latreasa? Is it the McDonalds? The Police? Her Family?

I know what you’re thinking, and I was thinking the same thing. It’s the CHICKENS who are to blame! I investigated further, and what I found was even more shocking than popularity of the insufferable Iron Butterfly song In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Directly beneath the sordid McMnugget Mystery Tale, was THIS (Shit, I messed it up again, ok, HERE it is)!

Your eyes see true, another asteroid collision, barely averted (It’s a good thing I had my twenty-sided dice that day). This was no accident. Every day, trillions of asteroids nearly collide with Earth, and everyday hundreds strike and kill someone, somewhere on the planet (Citation needed).

We are not done yet! Obscured by large type face and flashy pictures of distracting, meaningless articles about the Sudanese President being Issued an Arrest Warrant for Darfur War-Crimes, was THIS ARTICLE! An ugly cat who looks more like an Orc from Lord of The Rings.

After hours of analysis, I’ve reached one possible conclusion. Due to the tremdous amounts of Ultra-Violet rays that reflect off of Rush Limbaugh’s head everyday during the time that he listens to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, while lampooning scientists (for trying to stop global warming)… Animals have become self-aware. They’re done being cute, they’ve stopped allowing us to make nuggets out of their McChicken, and they’ve already begun a campaign to re-direct asteroids to destroy the Earth.

But an asteroid disaster would kill them too- you say. Not quite, the only things to survive cataclysmic disasters are Cockroaches and all other forms of animals (Citation Needed). They now have access to the technology, the know-how, and the determination to use that power for evil. The chickens are the leaders, and they must be stopped!

While this may seem like post to distract from the fact that I had no ideas today, I implore you not to fall victim to that line of thinking. It’s just what the chickens want. Ignorance, and obliviousnessossity.

It was only a matter of time. We all read Animal Farm, we’ve all seen the capabilities they’ve demonstrated in the past, and we all watched on Pay-Per-View when they built an Arc and led Noah to freedom. Now, they think it’s they’re turn to drown us- The Great Animal Uprising has begun and we cannot sink. We must unite. We must fight. Will you be prepared when the platoon of Uggs, Chickens, and Endangered Species come to collect THEIR refund for HuMan McNuggets? I know I will. What’s the first step?….

EAT AS MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. It’s only a matter of time before they successfully use reanimation to proliferate the size of their army.

Stay Tuned for more survival tips…