The CuisinArt

Latest from Shea (see more in his Author Page)…

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Trivia is dead and the I-Phone killed it.

Take a moment between questions during your next barroom trivia. Look at the frequency of I-Phone and Blackberry usage and notice how that frequency increases dramatically when a question is asked. Coincidence…

“But Shea, I wasn’t searching the Internet for an answer, I was just having a text conversation with my friend.” Get serious. Your friend, is he the one with the psychic connection to the VJ, because it seems like he only texts following the delivery of a question!

A Theory About Why They Do It and Why that Makes Them Stupid

They do it for the prize money. This is the stupidest of all reasons. Barring the crème of the crop trivia challenges, we’re looking at around 30 dollars as the grand prize, and typically its not even currency, but bar dollars.

Lets say you’re on a team of four people. Two drinks each at four dollars apiece, comes out to 32 dollars. You have, after only two drinks (and that is if you refuse to tip) broke even. You have entered into a self perpetuating cycle: you came to win thirty dollars in order to repay the thirty dollars you spent coming to win thirty dollars. Most of the time the tab is closer to seventy dollars, so essentially you’ve spent seventy to win thirty, a net loss of about ten dollars per person.

Now, everyone is guilty of this. Anyone who comes to trivia will leave with a lighter wallet, win or lose. But some people aren’t willing to cheat to achieve this end. It would be like bringing cliff notes to an SAT exam and getting a 600 anyway.

So it can’t be the money. It’s probably because these people need to hear their team name announced next to the highest point total. That way, in case we somehow forgot that “Quiz on My Chest” is without a doubt the pinnacle of all human creativity, we can remember that the folks behind the name weren’t just incredibly original and witty, but damn savvy intellectuals to boot!

The Nature of Cheating

I do not denounce cheating. It is natural and I believe it keeps man on his toes. It is a test of human ingenuity as trivia is a test of memory retention: yin to the yang, cunning to intellect. Without it, there would be no equalizer between people who have brains and people who have wits.

But searching the Internet for an answer is not cheating. It’s just being a dick. A lazy, lazy dick.

It’s like cheating at cheating!

Here are some acceptable methods of cheating

Bathroom Barter Con: Enter the bathroom and slink in close to the man at the adjacent urinal. He will become uncomfortable, and thus his guard will lessen. Offer to trade him an answer for an answer. He will want nothing more than to terminate the current lavatory exchange, so he will agree without argument. After you have pertained the necessary answer, return the favor with a fake but plausible answer. Zip up and return.

Surreptitious Observation: Sometimes bars have televisions. The channels are usually fixed on celebrity gossip, or news, or sports. If a question pertains to any of these subjects, take the opportunity to use these televisions to your aid.

Accidental Eavesdrop: Anyone careless enough to shout an answer deserves to have it copied. People’s faults should be exploited at all times.

Shea O’Neill Solves the Trivia Problem:

Solution One: Random EMP Generation. At several points during the night, the bartender will generate a short wave EMP burst, effectively disabling all electronic devices in the premise. Any phone not turned off before the blast will find its circuits irrevocably fried, and justice will be served with electromagnetic precision.

Solution Two: Hold Trivia Contests in the Absolute Most Dangerous Neighborhoods Imaginable. I’m talking places that average three shootings a night, where muggings are as commonplace as hobos asking for change. Let’s see how many people bring their I-Phone’s into these neighborhoods.

Solution Three: Random Decimations. On random nights, one in every ten IPhones should be taken outside and executed, gangland style

Solution Four: Accept it and Move On.

Editor’s Addendum:

Well said Shea. Cuisinart’s next item of busines: A crusade against the ’sub-mental’ social catastrophes who shout out answers that are obviously wrong, for all to hear. This is not wit. This is not even “Quarter-Wit.”

No one - save for the other sub-mental cromagnum men at your table - laughs at this. Never, ever. And when you’re “winning,” that does not make it OK, it makes it worse. You will be found. You will be confronted. You will be destroyed.

And another thing, Shea and I are not bitter about never winning the 30 dollars at our respective bar trivia nights, ok? We’re not! So shut up and leave us alone!