Archive for the 'OpEd' Category

The Blank Page

Although I have nothing but disdain for graduate students, and although he looks like the junior counterpart of Sanford & Son, I do proudly make an exception, welcome, and present our newest Author: Adam Marc. Here is his first submission…


Art draws from us two of our greatest strengths, our capacity to feel and our ability to design. The former is a visceral experience, the latter an analytical tool. Combined, these two basic human attributes allow us to express and create beauty and ingenuity. They also allow us to reverse engineer the fruits of others’ labor; they grant us the privilege to critically engage with the art that surrounds us. Subject, form, and content are the constituent elements of art upon which to base any such appraisal. Though these elements may be most salient with visual art, they also apply to the written word. Indeed, both writer and reader stand to benefit enormously from assuming this perspective.

Because it is so often construed as the foundation of a work - debatably so - subject stands as a profitable starting point to understand writing’s essential qualities. Truth be told, subject is not so very important to the success or profundity of a piece of writing. The sublime can be universally educed from the mundane, so long as there is an adept observer willing to expend the resources in the process of extraction and refinement - a tall order to be sure. Here it is elucidating to invoke the meaning of Einstein’s famous e = mc2 equation. This simple mathematical formula conveys that each atom throughout the universe contains a staggering amount of energy, as evinced by the nuclear fission that at once provides us with a viable, albeit controversial, source of energy and a means of self-destruction, and also the nuclear fusion that can power our sun for billions of years. Similarly, everything we experience, corporeal, metaphysical, imaginary, is laden with the vast potential to transform the way we conceive meaning and purpose in our lives. This is no less true for writing as it is for nuclear physics.albert-einstein-at-beach-1945-celebrities-28954

A personal example that immediately comes to mind is D. H. Lawrence’s The Rainbow. The novel tells the tale of three generations of a rural English family from the late 18th and early 19th centuries. The details of the lives of this, the Brangwen, family are unremarkable. They are all decidedly average. And yet, the events of their lives, particularly their emotional reactions to those events, are the source of a resplendent order of narration. So well acquainted with the capricious, enchanting nature of love is Lawrence that no reader can walk away feeling as though they are alone in the intensity of their daily libidinal pleasures and pains.

We are collectively endowed with the ability to detect, record, distill, and embellish the poetry that fills our lives. This is an invaluable gift. Another example, albeit from another discipline, is the style of Paul Cézanne, the Frenchman who pioneered Post-Impressionism. Like Lawrence, forty-six years his junior, Cézanne was a master at capturing the highest qualities of the often-overlooked aspects of existence. In particular, he painted still lifes, an apple arrangement here, a landscape of his native Aix there, always devoting utmost attention to depicting the purities of visual forms. His signature tool was color. Cezanne radically transformed the artists’ palette by illustrating how light and natural color complements can yield a work that is as vivid and nuanced as a Realist painting. Heavily criticized during his own time, Cezanne has since come to be regarded as one of the few individuals to incite a paradigm shift in his craft. His contribution has little to do with subject.751px-paul_cezanne_-_pyramid_of_skulls

And yet despite how arbitrary the choice of subject may ultimately be, it is a persistent cause of much angst amongst novice and virtuosic writers alike. A blank page is an intimidating page. Being able to write about literally anything can be paralyzing for the writer who has so much to say (read: show) and no conduit through which to say it. In a recent address to a group of aspiring wordsmiths at Ithaca College, the author Tom Wolfe noted that every 20-something has one autobiography to write, but they don’t have two. Implicit in Wolfe’s remark is the notion that subjects accrue with the accumulation of experience. Experience does not have to be equated solely with a quantity or even a quality of life events. It may also refer to an enriched perspective on life. As time passes and lives follow their course, people naturally become more attuned to the highs and lows of the human condition and are thus increasingly capable of articulating them. Thus, a person might conceivably be able to write two categorically different autobiographies on the same period of their lives; the subject would be the same, but there would essentially be two different authors coloring the details.

In the end, subject is about exposure. An individual - a reflective mind - needs only remain open to either the breadth or depth the world has to offer in order to wax eloquent and prolific. The most moving accounts can come from intensely probing the presumably insignificant aspects of our daily routines, as in Robert Burns’ poem To a Louse, plumbing the vortices of our psyches à la Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, or circumnavigating swaths of the globe in the manner of Bill Bryson. Even subject can be the subject of writing. From one self-proclaimed aspiring wordsmith, explore your environs, both internal and external. Do not be afraid of the span of the horizon or the reach of the sky; they are your muses.fearpreview

Next installment: Form.

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Adam Marc on March 21st 2009 in Essay, OpEd

Epitaph for a Forgotten Death

Latest from Shea (see more in his Author Page)…

Trivia is dead and the I-Phone killed it.

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Take a moment between questions during your next barroom trivia. Look at the frequency of I-Phone and Blackberry usage and notice how that frequency increases dramatically when a question is asked. Coincidence

“But Shea, I wasn’t searching the Internet for an answer, I was just having a text conversation with my friend.” Get serious. Your friend, is he the one with the psychic connection to the VJ, because it seems like he only texts following the delivery of a question!

A Theory About Why They Do It and Why that Makes Them Stupid

They do it for the prize money. This is the stupidest of all reasons. Barring the crème of the crop trivia challenges, we’re looking at around 30 dollars as the grand prize, and typically its not even currency, but bar dollars.

Lets say you’re on a team of four people. Two drinks each at four dollars apiece, comes out to 32 dollars. You have, after only two drinks (and that is if you refuse to tip) broke even. You have entered into a self perpetuating cycle: you came to win thirty dollars in order to repay the thirty dollars you spent coming to win thirty dollars. Most of the time the tab is closer to seventy dollars, so essentially you’ve spent seventy to win thirty, a net loss of about ten dollars per person.

Now, everyone is guilty of this. Anyone who comes to trivia will leave with a lighter wallet, win or lose. But some people aren’t willing to cheat to achieve this end. It would be like bringing cliff notes to an SAT exam and getting a 600 anyway.

So it can’t be the money. It’s probably because these people need to hear their team name announced next to the highest point total. That way, in case we somehow forgot that “Quiz on My Chest” is without a doubt the pinnacle of all human creativity, we can remember that the folks behind the name weren’t just incredibly original and witty, but damn savvy intellectuals to boot!

The Nature of Cheating

I do not denounce cheating. It is natural and I believe it keeps man on his toes. It is a test of human ingenuity as trivia is a test of memory retention: yin to the yang, cunning to intellect. Without it, there would be no equalizer between people who have brains and people who have wits.

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But searching the Internet for an answer is not cheating. It’s just being a dick. A lazy, lazy dick.

It’s like cheating at cheating!

Here are some acceptable methods of cheating

Bathroom Barter Con: Enter the bathroom and slink in close to the man at the adjacent urinal. He will become uncomfortable, and thus his guard will lessen. Offer to trade him an answer for an answer. He will want nothing more than to terminate the current lavatory exchange, so he will agree without argument. After you have pertained the necessary answer, return the favor with a fake but plausible answer. Zip up and return.

Surreptitious Observation: Sometimes bars have televisions. The channels are usually fixed on celebrity gossip, or news, or sports. If a question pertains to any of these subjects, take the opportunity to use these televisions to your aid.

Accidental Eavesdrop: Anyone careless enough to shout an answer deserves to have it copied. People’s faults should be exploited at all times.

Shea O’Neill Solves the Trivia Problem:

Solution One: Random EMP Generation. At several points during the night, the bartender will generate a short wave EMP burst, effectively disabling all electronic devices in the premise. Any phone not turned off before the blast will find its circuits irrevocably fried, and justice will be served with electromagnetic precision.

Solution Two: Hold Trivia Contests in the Absolute Most Dangerous Neighborhoods Imaginable. I’m talking places that average three shootings a night, where muggings are as commonplace as hobos asking for change. Let’s see how many people bring their I-Phone’s into these neighborhoods.

Solution Three: Random Decimations. On random nights, one in every ten IPhones should be taken outside and executed, gangland style

Solution Four: Accept it and Move On.

Editor’s Addendum:

Well said Shea. Cuisinart’s next item of busines: A crusade against the ’sub-mental’ social catastrophes who shout out answers that are obviously wrong, for all to hear. This is not wit. This is not even “Quarter-Wit.”

No one - save for the other sub-mental cromagnum men at your table - laughs at this. Never, ever. And when you’re “winning,” that does not make it OK, it makes it worse. You will be found. You will be confronted. You will be destroyed.

And another thing, Shea and I are not bitter about never winning the 30 dollars at our respective bar trivia nights, ok? We’re not! So shut up and leave us alone!

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SheaOneill on March 7th 2009 in Comedy, Essay, OpEd

The Great Animal Uprising is upon us!

Earlier today, while grazing over crumbs of uninspired internet pages, ruminating on future of tennis shoes and basket weaving, I encountered a series of troubling news articles.

Today, buried under the red-herring cover story of “Obama’s 6-Week Report Card,” hidden behind AT&T Ads, and headlines proclaiming that Rush Limbaugh’s head, is in fact, a suitable replacement for a reflector on film or television sets, I came across THIS ARTICLE (Whoops, forgot to put the link in- Here it is.)!

A miss Latreasa L. Goodman, called the police 3 times when her local McDonalds ran out of chicken McNuggets- after accepting her money - and refused to provide her with a refund! She was denied her menu item of choice, then denied a refund, then denied prompt police assistance, and finally was denied by her family and friends after the report surfaced. Who is to blame: Is it Latreasa? Is it the McDonalds? The Police? Her Family?

I know what you’re thinking, and I was thinking the same thing. It’s the CHICKENS who are to blame! I investigated further, and what I found was even more shocking than popularity of the insufferable Iron Butterfly song In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Directly beneath the sordid McMnugget Mystery Tale, was THIS (Shit, I messed it up again, ok, HERE it is)!

Your eyes see true, another asteroid collision, barely averted (It’s a good thing I had my twenty-sided dice that day). This was no accident. Every day, trillions of asteroids nearly collide with Earth, and everyday hundreds strike and kill someone, somewhere on the planet (Citation needed).

We are not done yet! Obscured by large type face and flashy pictures of distracting, meaningless articles about the Sudanese President being Issued an Arrest Warrant for Darfur War-Crimes, was THIS ARTICLE! An ugly cat who looks more like an Orc from Lord of The Rings.

After hours of analysis, I’ve reached one possible conclusion. Due to the tremdous amounts of Ultra-Violet rays that reflect off of Rush Limbaugh’s head everyday during the time that he listens to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, while lampooning scientists (for trying to stop global warming)… Animals have become self-aware. They’re done being cute, they’ve stopped allowing us to make nuggets out of their McChicken, and they’ve already begun a campaign to re-direct asteroids to destroy the Earth.

But an asteroid disaster would kill them too- you say. Not quite, the only things to survive cataclysmic disasters are Cockroaches and all other forms of animals (Citation Needed). They now have access to the technology, the know-how, and the determination to use that power for evil. The chickens are the leaders, and they must be stopped!

While this may seem like post to distract from the fact that I had no ideas today, I implore you not to fall victim to that line of thinking. It’s just what the chickens want. Ignorance, and obliviousnessossity.

It was only a matter of time. We all read Animal Farm, we’ve all seen the capabilities they’ve demonstrated in the past, and we all watched on Pay-Per-View when they built an Arc and led Noah to freedom. Now, they think it’s they’re turn to drown us- The Great Animal Uprising has begun and we cannot sink. We must unite. We must fight. Will you be prepared when the platoon of Uggs, Chickens, and Endangered Species come to collect THEIR refund for HuMan McNuggets? I know I will. What’s the first step?….

EAT AS MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. It’s only a matter of time before they successfully use reanimation to proliferate the size of their army.

Stay Tuned for more survival tips…

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Stockton Borealis on March 4th 2009 in Comedy, News, Non-Fiction, OpEd

Prideful Plugs and Celebratory Hugs!

“Now the business we have, heretofore, you can speak with my aforementioned attorney.”

This is a quote from a movie I like. Can you guess it (sans Internet search)? This can be a regular function of the blog, if you don’t cheat.

First:

Since this is intended to be collaborative, I’d like to plug a few sites run by some friends.

*Marla’s Photo Blog. “She’s Very Good”

*Pete Berg’s Power Hour Site, and Six Word Stories

*Wikipedia (I think this one could really change the world once an English version is released.)

*Ari’s rant blog

Secondofly:

Ever notice that right before someone says something terrible to you, or about you, they preface it with “No offense, but…”?

Also:

Tibet has been freed! So put your signs away, cuz you’re 50 years late anyway. They’re liberated and the 50th Anniversary is less than a month away. Take this opportunity to pick out something to wear. Thank your local Chinese official, as well. It’s a celebration!
I’m glad that this burden has been lifted off of the Tibetan citizens. And this is not the only Anniversary, Darfurians will be celebrating their twenty years of deliverance under the benevolent Omar al-Bashir. For the occasion, he’s giving everyone the day off.

Next (possibly last):

I was in a Verizon store recently and I noticed there are no longer employees greeting you at the door. There is now an electronic sign-in. I think Wal-Mart should adopt the same system and give those seniors a break. Upon looking at all the different phones, I started thinking about how much machines are a part of our lives. They do quite a bit, and more and more, humans are doing less.
Our phones have text, picture, and video messages. Games, ring tones, and touch screens. Youtube, myspace. They even have GPS. Most cars don’t have that. These elegant devices keep us connected and are nearly limitless in their potential. But why is it that when I go to the counter to pay for the thing, that little electronic signature machine still looks like a retarded mutant fishfrog man signed it? I think we can do better, and frankly, I’m sick of feeling stupid at the end of transactions.
Moreover, if you actually purchase something that expensive, there should be an employee standing at the counter, whose sole responsibility is to open the High Security Prison Packaging the charger comes in. I think it should be the old Wal-Mart greeters. Long story longer, by the end this, I was so frustrated that I decided to return my cell, and purchase a land line. I’m not sure who uses these anymore, and it may have been a poor decision. But time will tell.

Apparently David Simon feels the same way I do about Verizon stores. Here is a video response he made to my blog entry (This is actually quite interesting, check it out).

-stockton

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Stockton Borealis on February 3rd 2009 in Comedy, News, OpEd, Uncategorized